The Picture

It is my last day at work and as I sit here in my last lunch break I feel a few words are in order. I could go on at length about the war, how much I have learnt about a different culture, the many funny misunderstandings and the sometimes particularly undiplomatic behaviour of some of my colleagues in the last three years.

But I won't. The colleagues in question are long gone and already posted in some other country where they are hopefully picking up some much needed people skills, the misunderstandings are not as funny when you aren't there and know the people, I will do a bigger peace on the culture clash at some point in some shape or form and when it comes to the war I don't know what to say anymore. The strange thing is that the more I read about it the more difficult it is to say anything that makes sense.

I spent last night reading a book by a man who has spent most of his adult life there working on various development projects and the only thing he could really come up with regarding the future of the country he knows so well was that there is always hope.

I agree with him of course. But I find it hard to believe that the many people affected by this awful long lasting war do. And how do you take it from hope to actual peace?

Out of all the destruction I have written about over the last three years there are two incidents that I will never forget. One is the editorial "And Then They Came for Me" written by editor Lasantha Wickremasinghe where he predicts his own death, printed in The Sunday Island a few days after he was gunned down on his way to work. The other is a picture of a grieving woman after her husband was killed in a blast in Colombo.

This particular picture was printed in one of the largest newspapers here over two years ago and when I first saw it I actually nearly cried. Since then I have found myself thinking about it every now and again. So the other day I decided to try and find it. I couldn't really remember all the details surrounding the incident. Only that it involved a suicide bomb and that the person it was intended for, probably some politician or army person, survived, but that about ten security people were killed. One of them was this woman's husband.

Was it the blast where a politician lost both his leg? The woman who blew herself up inside a public office? Or what about the guy that was killed by a pregnant suicide bomber? Or maybe the attack inside the security zone a while back?

In the end I decided to just do a search for Suicide attack + Sri Lanka. And after working my way back through the many bombs over the last two years I found it. I'm sure the original picture wasn't cropped quite that much and that it was even more effectful as you could see how the poor woman was staggering down the street. But really the composition isn't the most important aspect of this picture. It is the grief.

And if her grief can make such an impact on me, what does it do to her country?

Check This Guy Out...

So cute, but so useless bless him... You've got to love his hair though!

Valentine? What Valentine?

Being someone who has only every experienced one Valentines Day that was even remotely memorable, there is a certain risk of sounding slightly bitter when trying to write about it. But I am of course going to anyway.

But don't worry, I won't launch into a 3000 word long painful description of my resentment of love in general or cursing anyone that's not equally single.

I will just stick to outlining five possible approaches to Valentines Day - and reval how I intend to handle it this year.

1. Buying presents and planning a romantic evening with a special someone.
2. Wallowing in self-pity and getting worryingly drunk on cheap wine in a very dark room.
3. Taking a clear stand against what is just a commercial American made up load of crap - and we all know how we feel about that lot anyway - desperately trying to hide the bitter undertone.
4. Trying to date some other equally unloved person and when it turns out far from romantic - emptying the bar at the nearest club.
5. Pretending like it doesn't exist.

As temping as it is to get all shitty and try to be witty about it, or analyse why the universe seems to think I'm better off on my own, I will stick firmly to approach number 5.

So far 2009 has felt like a fresh start. I've found my footing again, I'm about to change the direction of my life and I feel surprisingly upbeat about the future. And I am not going to let 14th of February change that. In the same way as I won't let the 16th or 20th. It is just another day, and I intend to spend it xc skiing with my best friend.

Have a lovely day!

Boys Will Be Boys

The boys are getting bigger and stronger by the day and spend their time eating, sleeping and playing. Not quite sure who won, but it was definitely José picking a fight...

The Tip of the Iceberg

So I write a lot. In the past I have only published the odd thing here on the blog, the majority of the stuff I produce remains in the drawer never to be seen by anyone. Which is fine. Or actually for the best come to think of it.

The one time I did share some of the more personal stuff I had written it didn't go down too well at all, in fact I am sure it was partially to blame for the end of that relationship. Which is ironic really when you take into consideration that actually sharing it was a massive act of trust and love on my part. But then that's another story altogether.

This blog started as a kind of writing practise for me. More than anything it was an attempt to structure some of the stuff I write enough for me to be able to regard it as finished. Published and over and done with. Because due to a bit of performance anxiety and a girlish tendency towards perfectionism I found that I actually never finished any of the stuff I wrote.

Because when you think about it, there is of course always room for improvement when you write something. I'm the only one stopping it from being really good - or even brilliant. It is all down to me and what I manage to squeeze out. But then again if I am ever to write anything even close to good I need to practise, and I need to be able to structure things and actually finish it. So that is what I have been trying to do here.

And although you could of course question the quality of it, I am convinced it has come in really handy with the breeding website I started with a friend last year. Now I write all the time. I publish something almost every day - almost without loosing sleep over it.

In fact I almost feel bad when I spend time writing rubbish to just post here. But I have decided to keep doing it anyway. As practice, and because I quite enjoy it. And because on the odd occasion when I do feel like I've written something that is acceptable and I go back and read it again months later only to think - well, that was quite neat - it is really worth it!

And then the rest of the time it will just have to be what it is - a silly blog...

The Important People

And then he was gone. Not for good, but far enough away to rule out spontaneous Friday nights over a couple of bottles of wine or lazy Sunday's watching stallion videos or Tina T on You Tube.

Thank goodness I've still got Kris or I would have seriously had to consider looking for a man in my life or something. The two boys have worked as perfect substitutes for the last year. In fact I wouldn't have had it any other way! The three of us have been such a good little group it feels very wrong for it to change.

But I realised the other week that from a potential new man point of view it really hasn't been helping me to go everywhere accompanied by two men. Because people seem to assume that I am together with one or the other. Or both in fact. I hadn't really thought about it like that at all until I three weekends in a row was asked about my boyfriend.

What boyfriend? Have I missed something here?! Isn't it obvious to everyone that in the event of any of us hooking up it is a lot more likely to be the two of them. Clearly not... So upon reflection that might be why I haven't attraced much male attention lately. Well, I like to think of it that way anyway.

But now things will be different. There are changes all around at the moment in fact - like there should be I suppose. So I keep reminding myself that some of my best friends are a lot further away than he is going to be. And that it really hasn't changed a thing. The special people will still be special despite the distance. I am going to miss him a lot, and so will Kris, but we will just have to get on with it.

There are great things in the making I'm sure, but to get there we all need to make some decisions and dare loose our footing for a while. I've finally managed to throw myself into things big time again, and now that I'm getting my head around it I am convinced it is for the best. And I wouldn't want anything less for my two best friends! How did Kyra put it the other week:

“If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.”

And we wouldn't want that.

Cavallos & the Recession

Despite my degree I'm not going to attempt to define whether the country is at the brink of recession or not, but one thing I know...

You don't normally get 3 pairs of Cavallos for the price of 1.

But whatever it is called - I love it!!

The World's Best Trainer

There is no doubt in my mind that Kyra is the number one dressage trainer in the world. I've seen a lot of clinics over the years with famous trainers and it has been both interesting and educational. But nothing like Kyra.

So simple, so thorough, so brilliant.